Operation Ironmum
Well here we are friends September. How did that happen?!
After planning to write a weekly email every Sunday this year and then failing spectacularly once the world opened up in April I have decided to once again get myself in the writing zone.
But this time with a slightly different objective.
Grab a coffee and I will get into the back story.
After a fairly challenging 2020 (I know right, it is a pretty big club that) myself and the newest Mrs Streater decided we would put our somewhat ahead of schedule return to the UK to good use and start the process of trying for a baby.
Being the studious little dork that I am, I got to work researching.
We had already decided for a multitude of reasons I was not the best option for carrying any babies which left me the role of “the other mother”
Honestly, I found that a bit of an odd name.
But hey, it made for easier googling if that was the term used by people.
We were entirely ignorant on how to go about the whole baby thing apart from reading numerous horror stories of how difficult it would be as a same sex couple, how long it was going to take, how expensive it was going to be and awful the odd of success were - so that was fun reading.
Nevertheless, my researching continued and we got ourselves organised.
Honestly, we didn't really find any of those things were a reality for us. We ended up at a lovely clinic, in true Streater fashion entirely by luck as it was just the closest one to us, who could not have been more helpful.
They ran us through some options and we decided to just get started - it would take ages right?
So we should get on with it.
We had a plan.
We knew what we were willing to do, what our out was if it wasn’t working and what our plan was if we didn’t end up falling pregnant with in the time frame we were comfortable with.
** I thought about going in to what we decided here and how we fell pregnant but actually I find that a little strange. I know people find it interesting, but I have literally never asked a hetero couple how they fell pregnant without them bringing it up.
Can you imagine if that was standard questioning when someone tells you they are pregnant?
“so where did you conceive your baby”, “did you have to have sex a lot?” - literally wouldn’t happen.
I know people like to hear the good and the bad about our kind of experience because it’s different and I reserve the right to change my mind in the future, but, at the moment that isn’t really what I want this blog to be about. It’s really simple, just google it if you are interested in the science side **
It might have felt like ages at the time but in reality it wasn't.
Just a few months later, those 2 little lines appeared on a pregnancy test.
Followed swiftly by another that would actually spell out PREGNANT incase we imagined it on the first one.
Yep, baby Streater is on the way.
We aren’t really announcement type people;
How many of you reading this are thinking…
“eh! when did you get married?”
or
“hold on, you are married to a women?!” #problemwithbeingbi
I see you, old friends I haven’t seen in 10 years popping up to have a little stalk, it’s cool just say hey in the DMs.
So we weren’t really into doing a “we are pregnant” type post. In fact I suspect had I not decided to write this we probably wouldn’t have really said anything to the world until the baby had arrived.
However,
When I was finally allowed into the clinic for a scan - because of covid I couldn’t go in for any of the appointments until we were pregnant.
When we met the midwife
When we went for the NHS scan
Always “oh you must be the other mother”
It wasn't at all malicious or ill meaning but still it just didn’t sit quite right with me.
I started to google a little more, read in forums, check out other blogs.
There were so many women who were struggling with the concept of being the other mum and what that meant for their role and I noticed the spark of these feelings seemed to often occur during the pregnancy.
So felt like maybe I should be sharing more about our experience and shining a more positive light.
It hasn’t actually been that long that same sex couple have been able to have kids, I think actually in my lifetime. Certainly it has only become more common and accessible in the last 5-10years so maybe there isn’t yet a great deal in terms of resources for new parents in this kind of set up - but the awesome thing is people are creating their own.
Rose and Rose’s Podcast Parental Guidance and Not A Fictional Mums blogs have been particularly helpful for me so I thought why not jot some bits and bobs down on screen and if it is helpful to anyone else that feels like paying it forward.
I feel like I am probably in a fortunate position that I have a wonderful Step-Dad who brought me up as his own and the whole of his side of the family always treat us exactly the as the other cousins. In fact even the family regularly forget that we are not genetically his,
“well you are tall just like your dad”
…..hmm yes I am but what you are picking up on here is actually that my Mum clearly has a type and that type is men over 6foot.
I have lived through an amazing example of how so much of parenting is nurture, not nature, so the baby not being genetically connected to me does not really phase me. Some may say this is premature but I am not concerned with being able to bond for that reason or not knowing my role in our family.
Unfortunately often when lots of outside influences have an opinion or a story that is quite negative it can start to become a self fulfilling prophecy, those influences start to create a narrative that maybe wasn’t actually there before and I fear this can all too easily happen for “the other mothers”
Yes;
You will absolutely get some weird questions
You will absolutely have to keep saying “yes I am their mum, no my wife carried them”
And actually that part can be tough.
(Our poor baby isn’t even here yet and I am already starting to find these a tad wearing)
But that doesn’t have to mean that you don’t feel involved or connected.
Anyway, back to the point.
The first objective of my little blog here is to be a slightly different and more positive voice for “the other mothers”. I have no doubt there are more out there who just aren’t talking about it online, but sometimes we just need somewhere to read about similar experience and not just the negative sides but the positive side too because both sides really help. (don’t get me wrong, I am not at all suggesting there aren’t challenges just like there are for all families, absolutely reach out for help and guidance if you are struggling)
So….why Operation IronMum
Well now we come on to my second reason for wanting to write this blog that is a little more work related.
I am planning on finally getting that 140.6 Ironman boxed off next year (fingers crossed!), this is not really something that someone who has just carried and birthed a baby should have as a goal just 6 months postpartum.
Working in fitness we are often sharing pictures of ourselves training and I don’t want anyone to think the kind of training I am doing is appropriate for someone who has recently been pregnant.
It is not for the vast majority of people (please don’t start quoting athletes, they are very much in the minority of the population)
I haven’t carried my baby so even though yes I will be a new mum and coming up against all of the change that that brings the need for physical recovery is obviously not there and I wanted to make sure that was very clear for anyone who may have stumbled across my page looking for postpartum training.
I am going try to blog the ups and downs of being the other mother alongside tackling one of the hardest challenges around.
While sleep deprived.
When their Wife goes back to work
Being self-employed.
Without family living locally to help out.
What could possibly go wrong?
So there it is, hopefully by the middle of next year instead of just being the Other Mum il be an IronMum.
I will pop a post up on my Instagram whenever I get chance to get a blog up and of course, as ever, my DMs are open for anyone who wants to have a chat.